The gardeners are a little out of the ordinary, but the flowers sure are beautiful.
BI CURIOUS GAY XHAMSTER PATCH
Being bi and married doesn't mean perpetually thinking wistfully that the grass is greener elsewhere it means really, really loving your patch of garden, and working on it ardently. If I felt any urge to still be out squeezing them, I would not have walked down that aisle. I don't feel any mourning for my access to breasts, any more than I mourn for my access to other dudes.
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That's a conversation that modern society is only just learning how to have: that commitment to one person is a continued choice, and that it's OK and healthy to think other people are cute. Attraction to others, regardless of orientation, doesn't cease because you put a ring on it. Here's the thing - monogamy doesn't mean that your genitals are programmed only to want your partner's genitals forever more. Critics treat you as if you have taken one of two paths: either you've relinquished your bisexual identity, and so seem to have abandoned queer struggle to take refuge in the safe familiarity of the patriarchy, or you've kept it and are seen as incapable of dealing with the structures of state-sanctioned monogamy. Welcome to a contradiction of bi-and-married existence. "But how can you be happy with just one gender? Forever? Won't you always be thinking about the other one? Aren't you unfulfilled? Won't your partner think there's a little bit of you he can't satisfy? IS YOUR MARRIAGE DOOMED?"
I've had some very concerned dialogues go something like this: But I have had a few comments about how relieved I must be that, like Jessie J's, my experimental phase is over. Nobody's actually congratulated my dude on "turning me" or "helping me make up my mind" - yet. Sexuality is fluid, and it can change over time, but assuming this in another person is a good way to get something thrown at your head.Īnd then there are the people who decide I was never actually REALLY queer at all, that I was either a L.U.G - Lesbian Until Graduation - dating women because it was fashionable and edgy or because I was just confused. It's also frankly frustrating when anybody, straight or gay, assumes that I have been magically, permanently cured of my (very real) attraction to boobs by prolonged exposure to my dude's heterosexuality, like it's musky anti-LGBT radiation. Having a legally married dude partner means that, for some very lovely LGBT friends, I have sadly lost all my gay points, copped out, thrown in the rainbow-colored towel, and can no longer take part of Pride activities because I'm too busy being committed to male genitalia. Bi people are in a particular bind when it comes to their dating pool: If they find a partner of the opposite sex, they run the risk of being accused of queer treason. "Why didn't I get an invite to your Pride party this year?"
I am not Lord Byron.Ĭommitting to a lifelong heterosexual relationship when you've been a part of the queer community can cause conversations like this: "Is it breathing? Can it consent? Sweet, it's macking time." This is.
It also overlaps with the stereotype that bi people are sexually insatiable and will seek out anything with a pulse to satisfy their raging libido. It defines "bisexual" as "can't be satisfied without both sexes at once," which is another, entirely different sexual identity. But the underlying assumption, that threesomes are regularly on the sexual menu, isn't too uncommon. Obviously there are many things wrong with that situation. My husband gets fist-bumped rather a lot.Ĭute, right? Except that it meant that a drunk girl at a party we both attended, who'd never met me but who had heard that I was bi and therefore "must be up for it," tried to force her way into the room where we were sleeping for an unexpected menage a trois. In the same way that straight relationships involve, I don't know, Chinese food, or fighting over the remote. More than one person has assumed that bi-hetero relationships must involve threesomes, regularly. Here are the four ideas about marriage and bisexuality that I regularly encounter, and why they're wrong: We Are All About Threesomes When our relationship is viewed from the outside, these ideas sit atop it like an incongruous cheap baseball cap and affect how we're perceived. Much of this confusion seems to come from two sources: preconceptions about bisexuality and how it works, and preconceptions about marriage and what it's for.